Parent "Judging" and Our Rude Encounter

If there's one major thing I've learned the hard way when it comes to parenting, it's the "judging" factor. Basically, it goes like this: no matter how great of a parent you are or how crappy of a parent you are, no matter how much you go by the "old-fashion" ways or you decide to do things "modern and new," no matter what you say or don't say - SOMEONE will have an opinion about it. Whether it's about vaccinations, co-sleeping, nursing or formula, how you discipline your children, and the list goes on and on. Now whether or not people decide to share their opinions with you is up to them. Most of the time, it's family or close friends. Every once in awhile, a stranger might even say something to you. Either way, majority of the time, something is said. And when that something is said, so many different things can happen. It can crush you as a parent, it can make you second guess your decisions, or it might not bother you at all. But overall, the "judging" factor is unavoidable.

Personally, I haven't had too many "bad" judging experiences. Besides the "normal" opinions from family members about our decision to co-sleep and about how "it's going to be the worst decision we've ever made" or the select few who've decided to rudely share their opinions about how "it's so disgusting that I exclusively nursed until Easton was one"; but those things really didn't bother me. I kind of took them with a grain of salt and moved on with my life. They didn't bother me because our decisions have been right for OUR family, they work for US, and no one else really matters. Once it's happened to you a couple times (people "sharing" their opinions, even without being asked), you tend to realize how annoying it can be. And with myself, it made me realize that I definitely DON'T want to be that person. I don't want to be that person who shares my opinions when it isn't asked. I don't want to be that person that makes someone else question their decisions. I certainly don't want to feel like that and it's not fair for me to make someone else feel like that. I just don't think it's right.

I never had a really bad opinionated, judging experience before.... until last week. (I can honestly say I wrote this post a week ago but I've been hesitant to post it, and finally decided that I needed to.) Which brings me to my next point. I completely understand that everyone may have different opinions about this, and having a different opinion is completely and utterly fine. But please choose carefully how you decide to express that different opinion. With that being said, here's our story.

We were going to a family party last weekend at my moms. She has a pool, and although I am well-prepared to take Easton swimming because he absolutely loves the water, I knew I couldn't be in the pool with him forever (especially at nine months pregnant). I really wanted to get him a sand & water table so that when we weren't in the pool, he could still have some fun in the sun with water. So last Friday we set out to shop. Meijer was the third store we had been too, everywhere else had been sold out of them. Even though it was almost nap time, Easton was being great! We got to the water aisle of the toy section, finally found a sand & water table, loaded it in the cart, and we were as happy as can be. I turned down the next aisle, which happened to be the girly/Barbie/dress-up/baby doll aisle. Now this is where the controversy could come into play. Lately I have been debating on buying Easton a baby doll. My reasoning? Easton is such a great little boy. I know he will be an amazing big brother. But the reality of it is, right now, he is an only child. He doesn't have to share his toys or his time, and he especially doesn't have to share his parents or all of the attention he gets. He isn't mean, he always has good intentions, but he can be a little aggressive sometimes. I really think that he doesn't realize his size or strength. He is used to playing on his own and we've never been ones to baby him when he falls or run over immediately when he hurts himself. He's a tough little boy, that's for sure. He will head-butt you while trying to give you a kiss without even knowing it. It certainly isn't intentional, but it can happen. We are expecting Baby#2 anytime now, and I want to try to prepare him the best that we can for our newest addition. I want to get him to understand that the baby is fragile, that he needs to be nice and gentle. I figured that the best way to do that would be to get a baby doll of his own. One that we can swaddle up in a blanket, teach him to touch softly and gently, to be nice and kind to. I haven't asked too many peoples opinions on the subject, but the people that I have talked to have reassured me that they also think it's a good idea and it couldn't hurt to try. So as we were turning down the girly aisle, I decided I would see what our options are. There were three other people down the aisle, other than myself. A lady by herself, and another lady with her daughter in her cart who was playing with a Barbie dressed in a bikini. As I looked through the many options of baby dolls (there's so many now-a-days compared to what there was when I was a kid!), I finally found one that I thought would work.

A soft baby boy doll dressed in a blue outfit. I grabbed it off the shelf, showed Easton, and said "Look Easton, a Baby!" He instantly grabbed it out of my hands and was really looking at it. I said "you have to be nice to the baby, gentle." He continued to cautiously look at it before he started poking at the face. I again said "Be nice to the baby" and he looked up at me. I immediately thought in my head "this is totally going to work!" Right then, my thoughts were interrupted by one of the ladies that was down the aisle. The lady who had a daughter in her cart, while playing with the bikini Barbie, pushed her cart half way down the aisle and proceeded to tap my shoulder. I turned around, smiling, to realize that she had a stern look on her face. She said to me "are you buying that baby doll for your son?" I then said "Yes. We are hoping to prepare him for when his baby brother arrives, which should be soon." She then, in a very rude tone, said "Or your just allowing your son to play with baby dolls like a girl." She then rolled her eyes and continued on down the aisle, pushing her daughter in her cart. She left me standing there speechless. I was caught completely off guard and was certainly not prepared for the conversation that had just happened. Before that moment, I never second guessed my decision to give my son a baby doll. I thought it would be a good teaching experience, a nurturing tool, and frankly, I really didn't think it was a big deal. But then this complete stranger decided that she should (and very rudely) voice her opinion about MY parenting decision. And because of that, I started second guessing myself. I wanted to ask her if she was really going to allow her daughter to play with a Barbie that's dressed in a bikini? A Barbie with extremely large features that are being showcased by a bathing suit. If she really thought that was appropriate? If she was trying to imply something to her daughter? But no. I said nothing. I said nothing because that is HER parenting choice, not mine. When I finally came to my senses and realized what actually had just happened, I grabbed the doll from Easton. Just as I did that, the other lady (who was by herself in the aisle) walked immediately over and strongly said to me "Oh no. Don't you dare put that doll back on that shelf. You take that doll right up to the cash register and you buy it, or else I'm going to buy it and follow you out to your car to give it to him. There is nothing wrong with that little boy playing with that doll if that's what he wants to play with! Don't you let that ladies rude mouth change your mind!!" And I honestly felt, in that moment, she was my sign from God. I needed to hear that. I needed her to remind me that it was MY parenting decision and nobody else's. If I wanted to let him play with a doll, then he can. I did not ask for that ladies opinion. I also didn't ask for her to be so rude when she shared it. She decided on her own, to go out of her way, to make me feel a certain way. To make me question my decision. And I didn't like that. I didn't like the way it made me feel. I didn't like, that for a couple of seconds, she had won, and I had started second guessing my opinion of something, when before that point, I was perfectly okay with it. I would never want to make someone else feel that way. It was a horrible feeling to have. And thankfully, another kind stranger knocked some sense back into me. I smiled at her, kindly said "thank you, I really needed to hear that," I handed the baby doll back to Easton, and we made our way to the check out. As I drove home, I kept replaying it in my head. I really couldn't get over the fact that the lady had just been so down-right rude about the whole situation.

Which brings me here, to this moment. I wanted to make it a point to share this. So that, next time someone doesn't ask your opinion about something, you think things through before you decide to say anything. Think about how you would feel if someone shared their opinion with you, when it wasn't asked for, and it made you feel a certain way. If it made you feel bad, or it made you second guess your decision. That isn't a good feeling to have, especially when it comes to parenting. It's hard enough to be a parent. To tackle the everyday challenges and struggles. But to add peoples opinions on to that, it doesn't make any situation any better. So all I ask is that you take a minute to think things through before you decide to tell your best friend about how she definitely shouldn't let her kid use a pacifier, or when you tell your sister in law that she shouldn't be giving her child a bottle anymore. Think about how you could really affect that complete stranger that you really want to say something too. Is it worth it? Does your opinion REALLY matter when it comes to that persons life? Did they ask for your opinion? Do they even want it? Think before you speak. You would want someone to think before they speak to you.

My very smart, kind, loving son has taken to his "baby". He is being very gentle with it, observing it a lot and closely watching it. He gently touches the babies face and he gives it plenty of snuggles. Often times when I wake up in the middle of the night, he's cuddling his baby, just like he cuddles his blanky. My heart is full knowing that he is like this. My heart is full knowing that he will be amazing with his little brother. My heart is full knowing that a kind fellow mama reassured me that my decision was right in purchasing this baby. My heart is just so full. 

We all need support, most importantly, from each other. Be kind, mamas.

Xoxo,

Christine